"Heartsick" written by Devin Gackle, Fall 2015

You know that feeling when the spaces around your heart feel tight and hollow at the same time? You feel dull, yet it pulls at you, a tug of war--and it hurts.

Heartbreak, heartache. Words you've heard a thousand times. But no one tells you how it really feels, or what comes after. No one tells you it's possible to physically feel that break, that ache, or that it's crippling.

And after, it's hard not to feel forgotten. Worthless. Like you don't matter.

In truth, you probably have stopped mattering in some ways. And that's a hard thing to accept. But just because someone chose to leave you behind doesn't mean you don't matter. How someone treats you is a reflection of them, not you.

It's hard at first, isn't it? No matter what you do, you can't forget or let go. Even after time has passed, sometimes you can still feel the dull and the pull.

So, in keeping with the "spring cleaning" theme, this song is (obviously) about being heartsick.

The cool thing about being sick is you can get better. You just have to want to. Maybe for a while it won't matter what you do or think or say. But keep doing or thinking or saying, and eventually it will. And maybe a piece of you will always hold on. That's okay. You can always look back on fond memories; let them make you smile instead of making you sad.

So clean out your heart! Get rid of all that gunk weighing it down. And more importantly, open it back up.

I won't tell you all that other timeless stuff or give you that cliched advice about heartsickness. You know. Sometimes you need to hear it, and sometimes you just need someone who understands. I wrote this song so you know, as always, you are not alone.

Lyrics:

It doesn't matter that I try not to think about you

It doesn't matter that I'm trying to live without you

It doesn't matter that I know the truth

It doesn't matter that I've got nothing left to lose

'Cause I still love you and I still need you

And I still hold on

I still miss you and I still remember

And I still hold on

It doesn't matter that my heart is a weakness

It doesn't matter that my heart just won't thicken

It doesn't matter that I might die of this sickness

It doesn't matter that you keep leaving me breathless

'Cause I still love you and I still need you

And I still hold on

I still miss you and I still remember

And I still hold on

I'm still falling and I'm still grieving

But I still hold on

I'm still running and I'm still stumbling

But I still hold on to you

Won't you reach for my hand

Won't you reach for my hand (don't you understand)

Won't you reach for my hand (you say you understand)

Won't you reach for my hand

'Cause I still love you and I still need you

And I still hold on

I still miss you and I still remember

And I still hold on

I'm still falling and I'm still grieving

But I still hold on

I'm still running and I'm still stumbling

But I still hold on to you

But it doesn't matter