Photo Credit: Austin Chan on Unsplash.com

What with the start of a new year, I obviously have some thoughts about where change is needed in my life. The problem is, I feel change is needed pretty much everywhere.

I need a life makeover.

I have a lot of goals - or rather, intentions - and ideas about how to reach them; but the pieces don't fit quite so clearly in my mind just yet. What I'm feeling right now is a mixture of frustration, hope, despair, and steely determination.

I' m hoping to be more positive, self-loving, and optimistic.

One of the things that's become clear to me is that I have to stop being so darn logical about everything, and start listening to my intuition more. Now, that's not to say I'm not going to be practical; I'm a think-things-through, uber-organized, be-prepared-for-anything, only-slightly-spontaneous kind of woman, and that's not going to change. But I do realize I need to loosen those parts of myself, and be more open to what God and His universe are telling me.

I think listening to these messages is most important in my career area of life - especially since I don't have one.

Since graduating from college, I've been doing some freelance writing, and settling for temp proofreading jobs because I'm desperate enough to reply to one of the recruiters that reaches out to me.

And for the most part, I've put my own stuff on the back burner.

I don't mind my current job. But "not minding" something definitely isn't the same as enjoying it. Settling isn't the same thing as happiness, or even contentment (nor - I shouldn't have to point this out - is money). And just because I'm good at this job doesn't mean it's suited for me, or that I'm suited for it.

So why don't I quit? Well, it's a temp job - as in temporary. The contract ends in a couple months, so I'll stick it out until then. (See? Practical.) Meanwhile, I could use all that time to get some planning done, and hopefully enact some of those plans. I don't know where I'll be or if I'll have a job six months from now, but I do know I can't keep living my life this way.

So I'm adopting a motto: It doesn't have to be logical, it just has to be right.

Being logical - listening to the voices of ego and fear - have gotten me literally nowhere. I've been stuck and feeling stuck for almost three years, and while I'm fully aware it could be worse, I often find it really hard not to feel bitter, or resentful, or just plain miserable about my situation.

As someone with depression, and some anxiety, I know that happiness is not, in fact, a choice. It's a state of mind, a state of being, and illnesses like depression make it hard to get through the haze and noise (or what I like to call "The Void") to all the positive stuff. But I believe being more in tune with myself is helping.

And one of the things about being stuck in a life-limbo? There's often a lot of down-time. And I don't know about you, but when I have down-time, I tend to think a lot.

Each shift that's occurred over the past three years, some subtle, some pushy, has served some kind of purpose. I'm still not clear on some of them, and may never be, but because I've been spending so much time with myself, I've certainly come to know myself a lot more.

I know my parents think it's risky, choosing not to take an extension on my contract should I be offered one. But the thing is, I never really take risks; so I realized the situation won't change until I change it. Until I change.

And it doesn't feel like a risk. When I think of this choice, I feel...calmer. More at peace.

Those who know me might be worried about me. But I need you to trust that I can't think about it too much anymore. I need to do what I feel is right - in my heart, in my gut. I'm trying to follow my intuition, and let it lead me through God's plan. Do what I'm called to do.

I simply can't continue living the way I have been. I can't move on with my life if I keep doing what I've always done.

But, really. I need to stop doing things I'm simply not passionate about. Because if you're not passionate about it, or if it doesn't make you happy, then why on earth would you do it? That's no way to live. In fact, to me it feels really unhealthy.

So no more logic, at least not when it comes down to it. It's time to pay more attention to that still, small voice. It's time to trust the universe, trust in God's plan, trust myself - all things that are easier said than done, but then, the easy thing probably isn't the right thing.

I need to stop focusing so much on the need to know what's going to happen next, and the need to want to control it. And that's going to be hard, no doubt. But I'm starting like I tend to start everything - one step at a time.

I can't wait for the day when it all hits me and I think, "Oh. It was all leading me here. To this." And I trust that that day will come.