5 Ways The Silent Treatment is More Damaging Than You Know*
I’m sure you’ve all heard of the silent treatment. It’s a method of psychological punishment and manipulation we’ve all probably used or experienced at some point, whether we were aware of it or not.
This applies to any relationship—romances, friendships, familial relationships, coworker relationships, and even interactions with strangers. But here’s the thing about blatantly ignoring someone: Not only is it rude, immature, inconsiderate, cruel, and petty, it’s downright emotionally (and sometimes physically) damaging.
Ignoring someone is not an act of love. In fact, it qualifies as abuse.
Abuse, people. Just because you’re not using your hands, doesn’t mean you can’t irreparably hurt someone else. By the way, ignoring someone is also not a strategy, it’s just a flat out disregard for someone else’s feelings.
It might be hard to read what I have to say, based on my own experiences, and some research on the various effects of the silent treatment. But I’m writing this because it’s so, so important. There are people who take the silent treatment to extremes. No one should ever be treated this way, or feel like they have to put up with this kind of behavior in someone else, because it is most definitely not okay. And it is also not something you can just “get over” or “just move on” from, because it stays with you.
There are a few reasons someone might ignore you:
1. They blame you for a problem that's really their problem. Personally, I think this is the "easy" way out. Someone might blame you for a problem and ignore you so that the “problem” goes away; and of course, the problem doesn't go away. Or, they might just be mad at you (but too immature to talk to you about it)―ironically, this actually makes things worse. But either way, it’s just an excuse for someone to avoid caring, or dealing with any drama or problem (which again, is ironic, because it either creates a problem that wasn’t there in the first place, or adds to the drama.)
2. They just want to hurt you. Maybe they’re deliberately trying to hurt or punish you, or they’re too selfish to care about what your feelings are, or they don’t respect you. It gives them control of the situation, and a power over you―they might even try to turn it around to make it so they are the victim, or deny that there is a problem, thus making your feelings irrelevant.
3. They think it’s the right thing, or that it’s good for you. When someone ignores you, they might not realize the damage it causes―or they do and they think it’ll make you better somehow. Or maybe they need space but don’t bother to tell you that. They could just be avoiding a confrontation, and not realize they’ve gone about it the wrong way. I believe the key here, as in any relationship, is this thing called COMMUNICATION. It's so darn important it gets all caps.
To be clear: I am NOT saying that people who ignore others are automatically bad people. Everyone has their own problems, and life is hard, so figuring out the right way to deal with things isn’t always easy. And sometimes, all you need is time; sometimes people come around, and relationships can heal.
But regardless of the reason, ignoring someone can have serious consequences. Here are 5 ways the silent treatment is more damaging than you know.
Photo Credit: Kleiton Silva on Unsplash
1. It causes emotional trauma or stress.
This may be a given, but there is a wide variety of overwhelming emotions that come with being ignored. Victims may experience depression, anger, and frustration, as well as feelings of restlessness, isolation and rejection, guilt, loneliness, and despair―maybe even a sense of betrayal or bitterness. When someone’s existence and feelings are dismissed and disrespected, they feel devalued, unloved, unworthy, invalidated, and insignificant. Like an old couch you toss out because you don’t have room for it, or just plain don't want anymore.
2. It causes psychological stress.
The word for this is ostracism (exclusion, banishment.) The silent treatment can be a mind game for some people, and in some cases can be used as a form of psychological manipulation. (I think it's worth repeating here that this would be abuse.) Along with the emotional roller-coaster, being ignored tears down your sense of self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It also increases stress levels, leading to more feelings of grief, loss, misplacement, and abandonment; victims may feel they have no control. The longer and more intense the ostracism continues, the more permanent the psychological effects, especially in children.
3. It may have serious physical side-effects.
There’s a part of our brains specifically designed to detect different levels of pain. It’s called the anterior cingulate cortex, and it activates when someone receives the silent treatment.
You heard that right: When someone is ignored, their brain tells them they are in physical pain.
Symptoms could include anything from headaches, to diarrhea or constipation, to stomach pains, as well as insomnia, anxiety, and fatigue. Different states of emotional stress could lead to more serious health risks, such as eating disorders, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, blood clots, urinary and bowel problems, erectile dysfunction, and cancer.
4. It can cause behavioral changes.
What am I doing wrong? Is something wrong with me? Are you there? Was it something I said? Am I too annoying?
Being ignored could cause you to behave in ways you might not normally behave―things like questioning and second-guessing yourself and others, lashing out, or doubting yourself and situations where you normally don’t. You might start to feel like you’re bothering the other person, or being too needy. All the questions and doubt might cause you to act like someone who isn’t really you.
Realizing you aren’t quite acting like yourself could further feelings of guilt, loss of control, and uncertainty; since these feelings initiate a sense of threat to your survival, this may heighten any fight-or-flight reaction you may have.
5. It can destroy relationships.
Often the issue here is with COMMUNICATION (that thing I mentioned before.) For any of the reasons mentioned above, one partner might ignore or distance themselves from the other. No matter the reaction of the other partner, this action causes a rift. Each partner might feel the problem is with the other, and instead of communicating with each other, they wait around for the other to admit they’re wrong and apologize.
But in this situation, each cares more about being right than they do about the relationship. Or one or both partners might feel they’re being the bigger person by not interacting with the other, when in reality the opposite is true. This decreases intimacy and trust between partners, and can cause anxiety and aggressive behavior. The silent treatment may become a pattern, which hinders the ability to communicate effectively.
And as previously mentioned, it's not just romantic relationships, either. These actions are also common among family members, and between friends.
Many people don’t realize the dangers of engaging in the silent treatment, which only adds to the problem. The intensity of all these feelings and side-effects depends on the intensity of the silent treatment, but that doesn’t make it any less unhealthy or damaging.
How do you deal with being ignored?
First off, stay calm. Whether you’re doing the ignoring or being ignored, forget about anger, forget about your ego. That doesn't matter. Just apologize. Have a conversation like a real adult. It’s not worth it to keep the silence.
If you’re the one being ignored, do your best to find out what is wrong; do not give them the silent treatment back. If one or both of you needs space, establish that. Since, as mentioned, COMMUNICATION is often the issue, try to discuss and understand the situation. Understanding is key here. You need to have patience, the intention to be loving and kind, and the willingness to be understanding—on both sides.
Part of the reason the person doing the ignoring might be irritated is because they’re not getting what they want, and don’t see why they should compromise. And depending on the situation, they might not see how much they’re hurting you. Make sure the other person knows that you care about them, and that you’ll be ready to listen when they’re ready to talk.
Now, if someone is purposefully trying to hurt you through the silent treatment and acting out of malice, then obviously they might enjoy your negative reaction. Remember, this is abuse. Don’t keep begging them to talk to you―to them that just means they are right. Just don’t contact them. Don’t return the silent treatment in this situation either, but don’t let the situation get to you. It’s possible the relationship is unhealthy, and needs to end altogether.
The Nitty and the Gritty
Don’t let anyone treat you like an old couch; don’t ever let anyone tell you you don’t matter. No one deserves to be treated that way, no matter the situation. No problem can be solved by ignoring it, and people still exist whether you ignore them or not. In a nutshell: Just don’t ignore people, especially those closest to you. Everyone will be better off if you take the time to sort through the situation.
*Note: This article was originally posted on Lifehack.org; though it is still there, Lifehack re-worded some of the article and changed the title to 5 Ways the Silent Treatment is Really Damaging (And How to Deal with It)." Because of this, I decided to re-post it on my own blog with the original wording.